my scrappin' therapy......

it started out as this photo collage....

and then turned into this....it has gone to so many places....the tears...the reason for the new song...the clueless, bizarre, erratic behavior that i have with life right now....there is guilt associated with it all... the words that i need to express that i find so hard to...my brother-in-law Joe is still in NYU....today he underwent neurosurgery...let me just catch you all up to date...about 1 1/2 weeks ago...he had a seizure and was put on life support....he came off the ventilator...but complained of pain in his head...after countless CAT scans and MRI's the lymphoma...the cancer that he has.... has spread to his brain....they found 2 lesions...one on his occiput...and one on his parietal lobe....so fast-forward to last week and the neurosurgeon waltzes in to say that he needs a shunt to relieve the swelling....and also to give him chemo.....to his brain.....yesterday my sister ... lisa...called me crying to say that they decided to take Joe home on hospice....that was the first phonecall...then about 2 hours later....she called back to say that joe wants to have the surgery...he is 100% with it....the neurosurgeon explained that there is only a 10% chance of helping him....fast forward again to my feelings of today...when i am at a complete loss....just because she is my sister...it is not easier...it actually makes it 10x harder....the only thing that i know...is the courage of this man...the love that he has for her....makes me smile...i am glad ...that my sister is able to experience that joy....i wish i had the feeling from another human being like that....am i jealous...absolutely not...i question why he was given this dreaded disease...i question why the man upstairs had to do this to my sister... now...don't get me wrong...i am NOT a mean & vicious person...there is not another human being on this planet...that i would want this to happen too... well i would wish this on someone if it would make my sister heal...i would wish it on them... if it could take my pain away....nothing will...i am saddened by that....i have yet to journal this page....the tears will not allow me to yet....i will in time...i will when the man upstairs makes this right...